Together, forever, at last

Yesterday, a day of peace and calm serenity, my grandpa passed away to be with my grandma in heaven forever and always.

I've been able to learn a lot from my grandparents, although my grandma died just about 10 years ago, I never really felt like I was able to know her. Once my grandma died, my grandpa became very much to himself, secluding himself away from the family. In the past few weeks, even though he never fully knew who I was, to him I was just another nurse, deep down, between conversations, and stories he tried to remember, I felt I was able to connect with a old man I never had the chance to connect with years past.

Over the past month and a half, between living in my house and visits to hospitals and nursing homes, my grandpa was the strongest person. With his mind forgetting almost everything, each step of the way, the scary trip of not knowing scared him, like it would anyone else. I grew to honor that and appreciate the time I was able to spend with him.

My mom, the most caring, the daughter anyone could ever wish for, was able to be there for my grandpa. I love my mom dearly and seeing her go though this has torn me apart. Being there, standing at his bedside watching him die in front of her, the tears we both shed at that given time weren't from sadness exactly, but happiness he would finally be without pain. He would finally be with my grandma, after 10 years apart, their love for each other never died. As my mom held my grandpas hand on earth, my grandma took over within that few seconds, and held his hand to heaven. I'm sad that I was never able to take the time to get to know both my grandparents while they were here, but I'm also very happy to know that I'm now blessed enough to have recognized the love they both shared and the glow in my grandpas eyes only a few seconds before he took his last breath as he opened his eyes to look at my mom and a picture of my grandma.

The tears are not that of sadness, but the realization that I'm lucky enough to have two loving grandparents in heaven watching over me. They both lived a long life, both with each other and apart, but now they are together, happy and dancing in the clouds, together. Constantly watching over my family, I hope that in the future, I can make them proud. Proud of the granddaughter that hopes to impact the lives of others much like they both impacted me. I will always feel the comfort and love they shared for me, only this time I know they're both happy, together, forever.

Dancing in the clouds

A lot has changed in a year away from home. I've changed as a person, both inside and out, I managed to fall in love, and feel heartbreak, at times I hated my roommate, than turned to be best friends, realized how much family mean, lost my grandpa, managed to keep up my grade and all within my freshman year, cant wait to see what sophomore year brings.

This year, has been full of adventures and life experiences. I've been able to grow as an individual. I've seen myself grow up and also be as immature as I could be. But the entire year, my freshman year of college, I don't regret anything. Sure I made my fair share of mistakes, watching a movie instead of studying for philosophy, and plenty of others trust me, but nothing I fully regret. I was able to learn from every mistake I did manage to make. I was able to learn from every thing.

As for my family, I finally realized how important family is. Today, I said goodbye to a loving, caring, dedicated little leprechaun, I was lucky enough to call grandpa. I was able to see my mother, overcome her biggest fear, overcome the animosity with her older brother for the well being and joy of my grandpa. As all three of his children stood over his bedside, a slight tear ran from his eye. His only wish, for his family to be together at last, had finally come true. He was finally able to gain a sense of family he had been longing for.

Within the past year, I've been able to fall in love, have my heart broken, barely pass philosophy, complain nonstop about my statistic class, realize what its like to be an individual, managed to meet new and exciting people, realize the true meaning of family, see my grandpa, deteriorate in front of me, have my heart broken from the loss of a loved one, but never have I wanted to blame God. Instead I ask God to watch over the and guide the loved ones that I was able to come across each and every day.

Finally, I ask that God watches over my grandpa in his final stages of life. Please allow him to fully understand that it's okay to leave this world. I hope that he fully understands that he will have no pain, no suffering, and will continuously be with my grandma, on her birthday, today. Dancing in the clouds, forever and always, the vision of my grandparents in love and happy, together will always be enscribed within me.

In times of heartache

I've lost a lot in the past month, and its finally catching up to me. Taking advantage for all I did have in the past year, I never really took the time to fully recognize it.

After seeing my grandpa a week ago, forced to be checked into a hospital from complications of pneumonia, and a rapid form of dementia, less than one week later I visited him today. He's no longer the same person he was just a week ago, let alone a month ago. As he laid motionless in his bed at the nursing home, scared with every motion or touch, it was hard to hold back tears. A week ago we were able to hold somewhat of a conversation. Today, he no longer knows who he is as a person. A week ago, although he never knew who I was, he was able to communicate and express himself, today, he was left almost paralyzed by fear.

I never really got to know my Grandpa that well until recently. I'd stayed by his side, listening to his repetitive stories for 3 hours a night just last weekend while he was transitioning into living in my parents house. Although he had no idea where he was, my parents tried to adapt him to the living, leaving blue painters tape on the floor to guide him to the bathroom, making conversation just to hear him rant about my the "nurses" which in end was my mom and dad. What came as a shock was Monday morning, while getting ready for his doctors appointment he had been so eager about, he refused to go to both myself and my mother. It wasn't until he called my mom on the phone, (while standing next to her) to reassure him that it was alright to go with those people to the doctor. Its always hard to see someone you love not even recognize you, but that was last week, its even harder to see someone you love struggling to live, that's this week. He has almost no recognition to anyone anymore, and honestly is afraid, like anyone would be. First struggling with dementia, than the curve ball of pneumonia hit him hard, and while in the hospital an infectious disease hit him even harder, and could in fact hit my entire family. All while feeling absolutely alone, not recognizing his own daughter, his family.

I can only imagine. All the while I think I've been so alone in my own life, but to in fact feel like you know absolutely no one. I couldn't imagine. These past few weeks have been great trials and tribulations on myself and my family, and the next few weeks to follow will only bring more. At this point our only hope is that there is no more suffering. The grandpa I always knew has already left this earth, quietly and peacefully, our only hope is that his body here on earth experiences little pain and suffering.

My prayer is this, not to blame God for all that he's put myself and my family through in the past month, but to question why? Why now? Why all of this at once? Is this the sign we've been looking for to bring us closer in our faith, while everyone around seems to be running far away? My only explination for this could be the fact of family. This past weekend and Easter weekend gave me a real sense of who my family is, and all they'll do to stand by eachother. Even in hard times of heartaches, from breakups to dementia, my family can only grow from this experience and learn to count on each other first hand. I pray that I can be the helping hand my mom looks for when her emotions take over, at the thought of losing both her parents. I pray that my dad can continue to be strong, through everything he deals with today and for the future, to never give up hope.

Longing

So, I'm kind of sad today. I'm thinking about the school year ending and going home. I'm so pumped to be home for a while, but I'm also going to be saying goodbye to the life I've built at college for a while. I'm feeling blah tonight about the everything. I just fill this longing in my heart for love. I'm filling less than fulfilled tonight. I was searching for a picture to express my mood at the current moment (so I could blog it). So I was on tumblr scrolling through things that were tagged as "longing", which was the best word I could think of to describe my feelings. And this image appeared. The lyrics to Breath by Michael W Smith. I completely forgot about this song. So beautiful and exactly how I am feeling. Desperate for You.

Blessings in Disguise

This weekend has really opened my eyes to almost everything I've never notices before, and honestly I have no idea why. Over the past few months, as in March and April, I've noticed I've become really depressed, and really bummed about just about everything, and although the past year, I've made exceptional changes in my life, the past few months I fell back into who I was originally.

So, while driving to where ever I was going, most likely just to drive to get away from the caous at my house, I heard this song on the radio. I had to "shazam" it so I could look it up right away once I got home. Immediately I could relate to this song. This past weekend I've been able to become the person I've always wanted to be. I've been awaken from this dark sleep and realized all the things I've lost in the past month in a half. And I've come to realize that changes need to start in myself. I need to experience change in myself as a person and be able to accept the person I am to allow anyone in my life able to accept the person I am.

First, I'd like to apologize to all those I've hurt, through the dark times. My family, close friends and someone rather important. But also God. I had lost that connection because of the stress and consumption of everything in my life, that it began taking over. I've been able to fully recognize this and I hope others can too. This time, especially during the Easter season is a great time to figure out who I am. Not only did God send is only Son to die and suffer for all of us, but much like the song says, some of the pain and suffering we do experience though this life could be a blessing in disguise. God working though his creative and mysterious ways to show you something you've been missing for so often. I hope you, any one, take the time to listen to the song. It really explains even through pain and suffering, God is always there and teaching you through mistakes, not regrets but mistakes. Regrets are unable to be changed and end up just being dwelled upon, while mistakes are learned from and changed. I've made a few mistakes in my life, and I'm learning from them first hand. And I hope that the people who mean the most to me can see these changes I'm trying to make, it's going to take time, but I'm working on it. Day by day, moment by moment. Living in the now, not dwelling on the past and not searching for the future but living for today.

One Holy Week

This week has been interesting to say the least. I've changed/grown/learned so much in just a few days. These changes, however, have all been internal. Not a single person in my life would have been able to tell, which makes it such an interesting week.
It all began on Sunday, or did it end on Sunday. I'm not quite sure. I went to my last meeting for this group on my campus called A Place at the Table. It is a group for religious students on campus looking for a place to fit in. There were only four meetings. I had to leave early from the first and missed the next two. This made last Sunday my first and last full meeting. I am so glad I attended. I had been feeling so confused lately that I didn't even want to discuss my thoughts. Then out of nowhere, I felt I was ready to talk. I had learned a lot about myself. I feel no need to define my religious views to anyone, I felt proud of what I believed, and I had started to pray again. And that has made all the difference.

On Sunday I started to pray again. I had tried to start praying, but it hadn't been working. I felt dumb and upset when I prayed. Then I finally let loose. I let all the walls fall down and took a deep breath. My mind relaxed, and I felt the Spirit inside of me. I finally felt love again. I prayed for everyone I loved and cared about. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I really needed that.

Also, on Sunday I learned about this girl. She graduated from my college in '07. She was currently a week into a hunger strike. He dad, a human rights leader, had been taken hostage along with her uncle and brother-in-law. She was fasting until their release. She had gone to the hospital and refused IVs, so they sent her home. She was going to die for those she loved. Die. I couldn't believe it. I was so moved by this girl's strength. I prayed and prayed for her. She has since ended her hunger strike believing her voice to be more powerful than her death. She loved. She loved her family and her country so passionately. I think I hadn't seen that kind of love in such a long time that I was just so moved.

Anyway, with all these things going on, I started to pray more and love more. I took time out of my day to talk to God and love Him. I hadn't done that in so long. Today, is Good Friday. Since I was confused about religion at the beginning of Lent, I didn't sacrifice anything. I had felt it was a dumb tradition. I forgot the meaning of it. Sacrifice is an expression of love. It is a reminder that there is something more important than us. It is a way to walk in solidarity. Today, I am participating in a 24-hour hunger strike. It is to show my solidarity with those in Bahrain who are being oppressed by the government and those who are in being held.

Now, everything is starting to fall into place. I was stressed, sick, and sad yesterday. I called my mom in tears. She helped me, but I was so exhausted I just went to sleep. Now, today is a new day. It feel so empowered by my sacrifice, my love. I feel anew and excited about my newly development relationship. I know it will be clouded with ups and downs, but I don't care. It comes at a beautiful time in my life. It is Easter on Sunday and spring is here. I can't wait to love forever.

God, where are you now?

I've been so busy with school, so busy with life, trying not to get run down, but its officially happened. I feel as if I have nothing, I feel as if I am nothing right now. Throughout all of this, the one person I thought I could trust, and who would be there for me finds it easier to walk out, and run away from the problems than to even bother talking to me. He feels as if I mean nothing to him, or at least that's how I see the situation. Last night, I spent 3 hours on the phone with my boyfriend trying to figure things out, and we cant even talk, because he's going to Butler to visit his friends. Yeah I'm happy but when my roommate walks around the room and we cant even speak to each other, my boyfriend cant even be bothered to answer my text messages, how do I feel. Last night, I cried myself to sleep, no not really, I never really got to sleep. I feel as if I have nobody and nothing here, and my first instinct is to blame God? It's really not his fault. I did this entirely on my own.. way to go. Heartbreak is the worse pain anyone could ever feel. When you lose someone close to you, someone you spend your time with, someone whose there for you when no one else really cares, someone who compliments you even if you feel and look like shit, you've lost a really good thing. Honestly, I've come to realized within the past 30 seconds, I really don't deserve anything, no one. I cant even decide who I am as a person, what I stand for and I expect someone else to deal with that, to deal with me. That's crazy. So God, if your reading this, please help him, help him to realize the wonderful and amazing person he is. Help him to find someone that makes him happy, help him to see the amazing person he is. Because deep down, I know it, he has to know it. And dear God, please help me, please guide me in the right path, please be there for me when it feels like no one else is, please please, help me to figure out myself. love always, Stacey

Safe

This song has meant a lot to me at different times in my life. I know it's meant a lot to Stacey as well. It's a great one that reminds me how I have felt the Spirit working in my life. There is something about music that can bring you back to a moment and you can feel all the feelings you felt in that moment once again. That's what this song does for me. I can feel my soul awakening and my vulnerability showing. I can feel the fear I felt and the joy I received after opening my heart up. I hope to feel this for real again.

You keep trying to get inside my head
While I keep trying to lose the words you said
Can't you see I'm hanging by a thread
To my life, what I know
Yeah, I'm losing control and

Oh, no
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe

You're not safe

I'm strong enough
I've always told myself
I never wanna need somebody else
But I've already fallen from that hill
So I'm dropping my guard,
Here's your chance at my heard and

Oh, no
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe

Everything you want, but it's everythiung you need
It's not always happy endings
But it's all the in-between
It's taken so long, so long to finally see
That your love is worth the risk
Oh, no
My walls are gonna break

Oh, no
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe(2x)

You're not safe

My Brain Hurts

The stress of being is college is a lot. College = Redefining/Changing/Making Mistakes/Learning/Growing/Experimenting.

Now think about all of that being thrown at you within the past 8 months. Now, imagine the added stress of classes, new friends, and living on your own.

Wait, there is one thing more. Now imagine questioning your religion for the first time. Imagine asking yourself why you believe what you do. Ask what the purpose of life is? Is there are higher power? Are people just cells or do we have souls? Who (if anyone) do I talk to when I pray? How can so many people live without belief? Am I ignorant if I believe? Is there a right and wrong, good and evil?

Now, you have experienced a taste of my last 8 months...

It's no wonder I try to avoid talking/thinking about religions and God. It's exhausting, stressful, and filled with impossible questions. There are no answers. There is too much instability in my life to deal with more confusion. Now my brain hurts for sure. Too much thinking...

The Christian Stigma

As Stacey alluded to in her last post, there is a stigma that comes with being a believer. And in my experience, I think the stigma is strongest during college years. Before college, it's okay to be a religious person because you have parental influence. After graduation, you get older, wiser, and start to think about a family. A trend appears for parents to become re-associated with their faith because they have children. That leaves this middle time. The hard time.

Religious college students must be weird, uneducated haters who judge their peers who drink, smoke, and have sex. This is false. Being religious, spiritual, or faithful has very little to do with others. In my opinion, my relationship with God, or a "higher power" has nothing to do with how my peers live their lives. And my peers should not judge me for my relationship with God. I don't make a show of praying for people and telling my peers that God will take care of them. If they don't believe, they don't want to hear that. I respect their beliefs or lack of beliefs. I wish they could respect mine.

I think this stigma comes from ignorance on the part of nonbelievers. Many (but not all) don't take the time to understand belief. They simply assume all believers hate gays, are pro-life, and condemn atheists to hell. Again, false. I can't blame these people for their assumptions however. I know many assumptions come from personal experiences with overly conservative, and unloving individuals. Other assumptions come from exaggerated media.

It's unfortunate that so many people believe this. Sometimes I even find myself believing these types of generalizations. I haven't attended any of my school's Christian gathers because I've judged the people involved. They all seem uptight and many of them are members of the anti-drinking/drugs club. I don't want them to judge me for my participation in such activities. So I lay stuck in the middle. I want to connect of the religious community because others judge me for being religious, but I won't connect with this community because I am afraid they will judge me for my "wild" activities. I don't know what to do.

Noticing the little things

Since starting this blog, you would have no idea how many times I run into things around campus that give the option of expression your religion. Coming from a rather diverse University, although the campus is based off of catholic values, students and faculty have come to accept the religions of many others.

While walking though one of our academic buildings on campus, I found a flier for a faith sharing program offered through Campus Ministry. Krista, I immediately thought of you. Clearly you have come to realize what your missing by being at a school were religion is hidden. I really haven't realized much of anything. While looking over the flier it read like this:

Are you searching for meaning and purpose in life? Do you have questions about your faith? What is your relationship with God? Why do we have to go to church on Sundays?

Many might find this as a helpful tool to decipher who they really are, but those people would need to be comfortable with who they are. Sure this would be a great thing to go to, but don't we all see this people to be strange, Bible reading freaks. Well I can honestly say, I wasn't at the Bible reading freakish level, but during high school I was an active member in the Youth Group. Sure I'd love to be involved in something like this, but I cant do it alone. I feel so alone while practicing my faith. Going to a school with so many other Catholics, but they all have been raised in the Catholic Church and are so overpowered with the Catholic aspect from their parent to want to continue with it. I'm not going to lie, I enjoyed going to youth group because my friends went. I went because Krista invited me. Here, I know nobody involved. I'm sure they're all really nice, but I'm just not comfortable with who I am as an individual to put myself though the life long lessons I could learn though a program like this. But I need to. I'm working on it.

Brief History

So I was raised Catholic. My mom was raised Catholic, and so was her mother. It's the family religion. I went to a Catholic elementary school (where I first met Stacey). Then I graduated onto a Catholic high school. Catholic. Catholic. Catholic. I know a lot about the faith after attending Catholic school for fifteen years. Fifteen years. I'm only nineteen years old. That is my entire life. Wow.

Anyway, after high school, I started attending a small liberal art college in the Midwest. Let me stress the word liberal. I'd actually like to stress the word so much to change its meaning to socialistic, activists of the atheistic persona. The average student is a socialist freethinker who believe religion is for the ignorant. Okay, maybe I'm being harsh, but it at least appears this way in comparison to my Catholic roots.

I was so comfortable in my little community where I never had to defend, justify, or explain my faith. Now, I'm assumed to have no faith or belief. I have to "out" myself to my friends. It feels so foreign to me.

So what's a girl to do? Well, I can tell you what I did. I chose to take some time off from my faith. I did the normal "college thing" for my first semester. Made new friends. Had new experiences. And goofed off. But slowly, the reality set in. The winter clouds rolled in toward the end of the semester and I started to really debate my faith. I questioned everything I had ever believed. Then I felt overwhelmed. Very overwhelmed. I got scared of my own thoughts and shut them out again.

Since then, I've had some good conversations with friends at home, spiritual life directors at school, religious students on campus, and my mom. I've slowly started to realize that I need my faith. I need my community. I need that love.

But I don't know where I am now. I don't know which faith I identify with, if any. And I don't know what my actual beliefs are. So, I'm gonna share my experiences, findings, and personal discoveries. I'm sure it will be filled with frustration, struggle, and joy. That's why I've got my friend along for the ride.

Progress

Aright second try at this.. I tried to copy and paste what I had done in Microsoft Word but apparently that's not allowed so here it goes again. What an awesome idea, sharing out thoughts, adventures and dilemmas thought college, even though were 2 hours apart. Best friends, that's what you would expect. But more times than you think, college creates a void in friendships as friends go to different schools, schedules just a mess.. yeahh its all happened. But I suppose going to different high schools never stopped us, so why should going to different college's be any different.. what's the difference.. oh yeahh I can't see her on the weekends or every Monday night. :( Krista is one of a kind. She inspires me to be a better person, just receiving a text message from her brightens my day, and how could I not respond do that. I've known her since the fourth grade, sure we had our fall outs, cough cough 6th grade on the playground, not that I can recall any major events or anything, but anyway somehow was always still manage to stay in each other's lives. At the worst times, she always seems to be right there. Right after my dad's heart-attack, she was there, not even know what happened, we happened to run into each other. She has a sense for when I really need someone to talk to, she has the perfect timing for just about everything. I wish I could be the same. She's one of a kind, and I'm happy to call her my best friend. So getting to the point, this blog was meant to track our way of living. Well strangely enough, while sitting in the library writing a sociology paper, two individuals approached me asking if I had a moment to spare. Well I was just getting into my paper, but how long could it take. They proceeded to sit down and discuss the bible. At a Catholic University, not something unheard of. But in the library.. on the silent floor.. I was a little skeptical. I then thought of the conversation I had with Krista not even an hour ago, how on her campus, religions hid, but clearly it's not here. They proceeded to inform me through bible verses and such that God the Father is also God the Mother. He created humans in his likeness, than what is female created from.. His likeness too, so therefore their point made sense. I was a little taken back by this, but could tell from the research they had clearly searched the bible for this. As Catholics we often don't look into the bible as much as we should. We live our Catholic teaching based on what others say, never taking the time to read and figure out what it really says. Maybe from this point on, being the busy person I am, I'll take the time to look further into what the bible actually says. Not making any promises, but I can't really get any worse than I already am now, anything at this point is progress.

My Best Friend

I wanted to start this blog because today I realized how much I miss my best friend (the second author). My best friend, Stacey, has been in my life for many years. She hasn't always been my best friend; in fact, I'm sure she has been my enemy at times and a stranger at others. But I've grown to love her with all my heart. Over the last three years, we have grown up together. We reconnected our sophomore year of high school at our church. We rebuilt an old friendship on new values. Together, we service the poor, pray for our families, and love our lives. I'm so happy she is in my life.

My Favorite Things about Stacey

10. She wears silly sunglasses

9. She has a waterbed

8. She'll eat a large pizza with me anytime

7. She complains about the same things I do

6. She always texts me back

5. She lets me cry on her shoulder

4. She cares about her family

3. She accepts me for who I am

2. She prays for me

1. She loves me