Longing

So, I'm kind of sad today. I'm thinking about the school year ending and going home. I'm so pumped to be home for a while, but I'm also going to be saying goodbye to the life I've built at college for a while. I'm feeling blah tonight about the everything. I just fill this longing in my heart for love. I'm filling less than fulfilled tonight. I was searching for a picture to express my mood at the current moment (so I could blog it). So I was on tumblr scrolling through things that were tagged as "longing", which was the best word I could think of to describe my feelings. And this image appeared. The lyrics to Breath by Michael W Smith. I completely forgot about this song. So beautiful and exactly how I am feeling. Desperate for You.

Blessings in Disguise

This weekend has really opened my eyes to almost everything I've never notices before, and honestly I have no idea why. Over the past few months, as in March and April, I've noticed I've become really depressed, and really bummed about just about everything, and although the past year, I've made exceptional changes in my life, the past few months I fell back into who I was originally.

So, while driving to where ever I was going, most likely just to drive to get away from the caous at my house, I heard this song on the radio. I had to "shazam" it so I could look it up right away once I got home. Immediately I could relate to this song. This past weekend I've been able to become the person I've always wanted to be. I've been awaken from this dark sleep and realized all the things I've lost in the past month in a half. And I've come to realize that changes need to start in myself. I need to experience change in myself as a person and be able to accept the person I am to allow anyone in my life able to accept the person I am.

First, I'd like to apologize to all those I've hurt, through the dark times. My family, close friends and someone rather important. But also God. I had lost that connection because of the stress and consumption of everything in my life, that it began taking over. I've been able to fully recognize this and I hope others can too. This time, especially during the Easter season is a great time to figure out who I am. Not only did God send is only Son to die and suffer for all of us, but much like the song says, some of the pain and suffering we do experience though this life could be a blessing in disguise. God working though his creative and mysterious ways to show you something you've been missing for so often. I hope you, any one, take the time to listen to the song. It really explains even through pain and suffering, God is always there and teaching you through mistakes, not regrets but mistakes. Regrets are unable to be changed and end up just being dwelled upon, while mistakes are learned from and changed. I've made a few mistakes in my life, and I'm learning from them first hand. And I hope that the people who mean the most to me can see these changes I'm trying to make, it's going to take time, but I'm working on it. Day by day, moment by moment. Living in the now, not dwelling on the past and not searching for the future but living for today.

One Holy Week

This week has been interesting to say the least. I've changed/grown/learned so much in just a few days. These changes, however, have all been internal. Not a single person in my life would have been able to tell, which makes it such an interesting week.
It all began on Sunday, or did it end on Sunday. I'm not quite sure. I went to my last meeting for this group on my campus called A Place at the Table. It is a group for religious students on campus looking for a place to fit in. There were only four meetings. I had to leave early from the first and missed the next two. This made last Sunday my first and last full meeting. I am so glad I attended. I had been feeling so confused lately that I didn't even want to discuss my thoughts. Then out of nowhere, I felt I was ready to talk. I had learned a lot about myself. I feel no need to define my religious views to anyone, I felt proud of what I believed, and I had started to pray again. And that has made all the difference.

On Sunday I started to pray again. I had tried to start praying, but it hadn't been working. I felt dumb and upset when I prayed. Then I finally let loose. I let all the walls fall down and took a deep breath. My mind relaxed, and I felt the Spirit inside of me. I finally felt love again. I prayed for everyone I loved and cared about. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I really needed that.

Also, on Sunday I learned about this girl. She graduated from my college in '07. She was currently a week into a hunger strike. He dad, a human rights leader, had been taken hostage along with her uncle and brother-in-law. She was fasting until their release. She had gone to the hospital and refused IVs, so they sent her home. She was going to die for those she loved. Die. I couldn't believe it. I was so moved by this girl's strength. I prayed and prayed for her. She has since ended her hunger strike believing her voice to be more powerful than her death. She loved. She loved her family and her country so passionately. I think I hadn't seen that kind of love in such a long time that I was just so moved.

Anyway, with all these things going on, I started to pray more and love more. I took time out of my day to talk to God and love Him. I hadn't done that in so long. Today, is Good Friday. Since I was confused about religion at the beginning of Lent, I didn't sacrifice anything. I had felt it was a dumb tradition. I forgot the meaning of it. Sacrifice is an expression of love. It is a reminder that there is something more important than us. It is a way to walk in solidarity. Today, I am participating in a 24-hour hunger strike. It is to show my solidarity with those in Bahrain who are being oppressed by the government and those who are in being held.

Now, everything is starting to fall into place. I was stressed, sick, and sad yesterday. I called my mom in tears. She helped me, but I was so exhausted I just went to sleep. Now, today is a new day. It feel so empowered by my sacrifice, my love. I feel anew and excited about my newly development relationship. I know it will be clouded with ups and downs, but I don't care. It comes at a beautiful time in my life. It is Easter on Sunday and spring is here. I can't wait to love forever.

God, where are you now?

I've been so busy with school, so busy with life, trying not to get run down, but its officially happened. I feel as if I have nothing, I feel as if I am nothing right now. Throughout all of this, the one person I thought I could trust, and who would be there for me finds it easier to walk out, and run away from the problems than to even bother talking to me. He feels as if I mean nothing to him, or at least that's how I see the situation. Last night, I spent 3 hours on the phone with my boyfriend trying to figure things out, and we cant even talk, because he's going to Butler to visit his friends. Yeah I'm happy but when my roommate walks around the room and we cant even speak to each other, my boyfriend cant even be bothered to answer my text messages, how do I feel. Last night, I cried myself to sleep, no not really, I never really got to sleep. I feel as if I have nobody and nothing here, and my first instinct is to blame God? It's really not his fault. I did this entirely on my own.. way to go. Heartbreak is the worse pain anyone could ever feel. When you lose someone close to you, someone you spend your time with, someone whose there for you when no one else really cares, someone who compliments you even if you feel and look like shit, you've lost a really good thing. Honestly, I've come to realized within the past 30 seconds, I really don't deserve anything, no one. I cant even decide who I am as a person, what I stand for and I expect someone else to deal with that, to deal with me. That's crazy. So God, if your reading this, please help him, help him to realize the wonderful and amazing person he is. Help him to find someone that makes him happy, help him to see the amazing person he is. Because deep down, I know it, he has to know it. And dear God, please help me, please guide me in the right path, please be there for me when it feels like no one else is, please please, help me to figure out myself. love always, Stacey

Safe

This song has meant a lot to me at different times in my life. I know it's meant a lot to Stacey as well. It's a great one that reminds me how I have felt the Spirit working in my life. There is something about music that can bring you back to a moment and you can feel all the feelings you felt in that moment once again. That's what this song does for me. I can feel my soul awakening and my vulnerability showing. I can feel the fear I felt and the joy I received after opening my heart up. I hope to feel this for real again.

You keep trying to get inside my head
While I keep trying to lose the words you said
Can't you see I'm hanging by a thread
To my life, what I know
Yeah, I'm losing control and

Oh, no
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe

You're not safe

I'm strong enough
I've always told myself
I never wanna need somebody else
But I've already fallen from that hill
So I'm dropping my guard,
Here's your chance at my heard and

Oh, no
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe

Everything you want, but it's everythiung you need
It's not always happy endings
But it's all the in-between
It's taken so long, so long to finally see
That your love is worth the risk
Oh, no
My walls are gonna break

Oh, no
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe(2x)

You're not safe

My Brain Hurts

The stress of being is college is a lot. College = Redefining/Changing/Making Mistakes/Learning/Growing/Experimenting.

Now think about all of that being thrown at you within the past 8 months. Now, imagine the added stress of classes, new friends, and living on your own.

Wait, there is one thing more. Now imagine questioning your religion for the first time. Imagine asking yourself why you believe what you do. Ask what the purpose of life is? Is there are higher power? Are people just cells or do we have souls? Who (if anyone) do I talk to when I pray? How can so many people live without belief? Am I ignorant if I believe? Is there a right and wrong, good and evil?

Now, you have experienced a taste of my last 8 months...

It's no wonder I try to avoid talking/thinking about religions and God. It's exhausting, stressful, and filled with impossible questions. There are no answers. There is too much instability in my life to deal with more confusion. Now my brain hurts for sure. Too much thinking...

The Christian Stigma

As Stacey alluded to in her last post, there is a stigma that comes with being a believer. And in my experience, I think the stigma is strongest during college years. Before college, it's okay to be a religious person because you have parental influence. After graduation, you get older, wiser, and start to think about a family. A trend appears for parents to become re-associated with their faith because they have children. That leaves this middle time. The hard time.

Religious college students must be weird, uneducated haters who judge their peers who drink, smoke, and have sex. This is false. Being religious, spiritual, or faithful has very little to do with others. In my opinion, my relationship with God, or a "higher power" has nothing to do with how my peers live their lives. And my peers should not judge me for my relationship with God. I don't make a show of praying for people and telling my peers that God will take care of them. If they don't believe, they don't want to hear that. I respect their beliefs or lack of beliefs. I wish they could respect mine.

I think this stigma comes from ignorance on the part of nonbelievers. Many (but not all) don't take the time to understand belief. They simply assume all believers hate gays, are pro-life, and condemn atheists to hell. Again, false. I can't blame these people for their assumptions however. I know many assumptions come from personal experiences with overly conservative, and unloving individuals. Other assumptions come from exaggerated media.

It's unfortunate that so many people believe this. Sometimes I even find myself believing these types of generalizations. I haven't attended any of my school's Christian gathers because I've judged the people involved. They all seem uptight and many of them are members of the anti-drinking/drugs club. I don't want them to judge me for my participation in such activities. So I lay stuck in the middle. I want to connect of the religious community because others judge me for being religious, but I won't connect with this community because I am afraid they will judge me for my "wild" activities. I don't know what to do.

Noticing the little things

Since starting this blog, you would have no idea how many times I run into things around campus that give the option of expression your religion. Coming from a rather diverse University, although the campus is based off of catholic values, students and faculty have come to accept the religions of many others.

While walking though one of our academic buildings on campus, I found a flier for a faith sharing program offered through Campus Ministry. Krista, I immediately thought of you. Clearly you have come to realize what your missing by being at a school were religion is hidden. I really haven't realized much of anything. While looking over the flier it read like this:

Are you searching for meaning and purpose in life? Do you have questions about your faith? What is your relationship with God? Why do we have to go to church on Sundays?

Many might find this as a helpful tool to decipher who they really are, but those people would need to be comfortable with who they are. Sure this would be a great thing to go to, but don't we all see this people to be strange, Bible reading freaks. Well I can honestly say, I wasn't at the Bible reading freakish level, but during high school I was an active member in the Youth Group. Sure I'd love to be involved in something like this, but I cant do it alone. I feel so alone while practicing my faith. Going to a school with so many other Catholics, but they all have been raised in the Catholic Church and are so overpowered with the Catholic aspect from their parent to want to continue with it. I'm not going to lie, I enjoyed going to youth group because my friends went. I went because Krista invited me. Here, I know nobody involved. I'm sure they're all really nice, but I'm just not comfortable with who I am as an individual to put myself though the life long lessons I could learn though a program like this. But I need to. I'm working on it.