Together, forever, at last

Yesterday, a day of peace and calm serenity, my grandpa passed away to be with my grandma in heaven forever and always.

I've been able to learn a lot from my grandparents, although my grandma died just about 10 years ago, I never really felt like I was able to know her. Once my grandma died, my grandpa became very much to himself, secluding himself away from the family. In the past few weeks, even though he never fully knew who I was, to him I was just another nurse, deep down, between conversations, and stories he tried to remember, I felt I was able to connect with a old man I never had the chance to connect with years past.

Over the past month and a half, between living in my house and visits to hospitals and nursing homes, my grandpa was the strongest person. With his mind forgetting almost everything, each step of the way, the scary trip of not knowing scared him, like it would anyone else. I grew to honor that and appreciate the time I was able to spend with him.

My mom, the most caring, the daughter anyone could ever wish for, was able to be there for my grandpa. I love my mom dearly and seeing her go though this has torn me apart. Being there, standing at his bedside watching him die in front of her, the tears we both shed at that given time weren't from sadness exactly, but happiness he would finally be without pain. He would finally be with my grandma, after 10 years apart, their love for each other never died. As my mom held my grandpas hand on earth, my grandma took over within that few seconds, and held his hand to heaven. I'm sad that I was never able to take the time to get to know both my grandparents while they were here, but I'm also very happy to know that I'm now blessed enough to have recognized the love they both shared and the glow in my grandpas eyes only a few seconds before he took his last breath as he opened his eyes to look at my mom and a picture of my grandma.

The tears are not that of sadness, but the realization that I'm lucky enough to have two loving grandparents in heaven watching over me. They both lived a long life, both with each other and apart, but now they are together, happy and dancing in the clouds, together. Constantly watching over my family, I hope that in the future, I can make them proud. Proud of the granddaughter that hopes to impact the lives of others much like they both impacted me. I will always feel the comfort and love they shared for me, only this time I know they're both happy, together, forever.

Dancing in the clouds

A lot has changed in a year away from home. I've changed as a person, both inside and out, I managed to fall in love, and feel heartbreak, at times I hated my roommate, than turned to be best friends, realized how much family mean, lost my grandpa, managed to keep up my grade and all within my freshman year, cant wait to see what sophomore year brings.

This year, has been full of adventures and life experiences. I've been able to grow as an individual. I've seen myself grow up and also be as immature as I could be. But the entire year, my freshman year of college, I don't regret anything. Sure I made my fair share of mistakes, watching a movie instead of studying for philosophy, and plenty of others trust me, but nothing I fully regret. I was able to learn from every mistake I did manage to make. I was able to learn from every thing.

As for my family, I finally realized how important family is. Today, I said goodbye to a loving, caring, dedicated little leprechaun, I was lucky enough to call grandpa. I was able to see my mother, overcome her biggest fear, overcome the animosity with her older brother for the well being and joy of my grandpa. As all three of his children stood over his bedside, a slight tear ran from his eye. His only wish, for his family to be together at last, had finally come true. He was finally able to gain a sense of family he had been longing for.

Within the past year, I've been able to fall in love, have my heart broken, barely pass philosophy, complain nonstop about my statistic class, realize what its like to be an individual, managed to meet new and exciting people, realize the true meaning of family, see my grandpa, deteriorate in front of me, have my heart broken from the loss of a loved one, but never have I wanted to blame God. Instead I ask God to watch over the and guide the loved ones that I was able to come across each and every day.

Finally, I ask that God watches over my grandpa in his final stages of life. Please allow him to fully understand that it's okay to leave this world. I hope that he fully understands that he will have no pain, no suffering, and will continuously be with my grandma, on her birthday, today. Dancing in the clouds, forever and always, the vision of my grandparents in love and happy, together will always be enscribed within me.

In times of heartache

I've lost a lot in the past month, and its finally catching up to me. Taking advantage for all I did have in the past year, I never really took the time to fully recognize it.

After seeing my grandpa a week ago, forced to be checked into a hospital from complications of pneumonia, and a rapid form of dementia, less than one week later I visited him today. He's no longer the same person he was just a week ago, let alone a month ago. As he laid motionless in his bed at the nursing home, scared with every motion or touch, it was hard to hold back tears. A week ago we were able to hold somewhat of a conversation. Today, he no longer knows who he is as a person. A week ago, although he never knew who I was, he was able to communicate and express himself, today, he was left almost paralyzed by fear.

I never really got to know my Grandpa that well until recently. I'd stayed by his side, listening to his repetitive stories for 3 hours a night just last weekend while he was transitioning into living in my parents house. Although he had no idea where he was, my parents tried to adapt him to the living, leaving blue painters tape on the floor to guide him to the bathroom, making conversation just to hear him rant about my the "nurses" which in end was my mom and dad. What came as a shock was Monday morning, while getting ready for his doctors appointment he had been so eager about, he refused to go to both myself and my mother. It wasn't until he called my mom on the phone, (while standing next to her) to reassure him that it was alright to go with those people to the doctor. Its always hard to see someone you love not even recognize you, but that was last week, its even harder to see someone you love struggling to live, that's this week. He has almost no recognition to anyone anymore, and honestly is afraid, like anyone would be. First struggling with dementia, than the curve ball of pneumonia hit him hard, and while in the hospital an infectious disease hit him even harder, and could in fact hit my entire family. All while feeling absolutely alone, not recognizing his own daughter, his family.

I can only imagine. All the while I think I've been so alone in my own life, but to in fact feel like you know absolutely no one. I couldn't imagine. These past few weeks have been great trials and tribulations on myself and my family, and the next few weeks to follow will only bring more. At this point our only hope is that there is no more suffering. The grandpa I always knew has already left this earth, quietly and peacefully, our only hope is that his body here on earth experiences little pain and suffering.

My prayer is this, not to blame God for all that he's put myself and my family through in the past month, but to question why? Why now? Why all of this at once? Is this the sign we've been looking for to bring us closer in our faith, while everyone around seems to be running far away? My only explination for this could be the fact of family. This past weekend and Easter weekend gave me a real sense of who my family is, and all they'll do to stand by eachother. Even in hard times of heartaches, from breakups to dementia, my family can only grow from this experience and learn to count on each other first hand. I pray that I can be the helping hand my mom looks for when her emotions take over, at the thought of losing both her parents. I pray that my dad can continue to be strong, through everything he deals with today and for the future, to never give up hope.