I've lost a lot in the past month, and its finally catching up to me. Taking advantage for all I did have in the past year, I never really took the time to fully recognize it.
After seeing my grandpa a week ago, forced to be checked into a hospital from complications of pneumonia, and a rapid form of dementia, less than one week later I visited him today. He's no longer the same person he was just a week ago, let alone a month ago. As he laid motionless in his bed at the nursing home, scared with every motion or touch, it was hard to hold back tears. A week ago we were able to hold somewhat of a conversation. Today, he no longer knows who he is as a person. A week ago, although he never knew who I was, he was able to communicate and express himself, today, he was left almost paralyzed by fear.
I never really got to know my Grandpa that well until recently. I'd stayed by his side, listening to his repetitive stories for 3 hours a night just last weekend while he was transitioning into living in my parents house. Although he had no idea where he was, my parents tried to adapt him to the living, leaving blue painters tape on the floor to guide him to the bathroom, making conversation just to hear him rant about my the "nurses" which in end was my mom and dad. What came as a shock was Monday morning, while getting ready for his doctors appointment he had been so eager about, he refused to go to both myself and my mother. It wasn't until he called my mom on the phone, (while standing next to her) to reassure him that it was alright to go with those people to the doctor. Its always hard to see someone you love not even recognize you, but that was last week, its even harder to see someone you love struggling to live, that's this week. He has almost no recognition to anyone anymore, and honestly is afraid, like anyone would be. First struggling with dementia, than the curve ball of pneumonia hit him hard, and while in the hospital an infectious disease hit him even harder, and could in fact hit my entire family. All while feeling absolutely alone, not recognizing his own daughter, his family.
I can only imagine. All the while I think I've been so alone in my own life, but to in fact feel like you know absolutely no one. I couldn't imagine. These past few weeks have been great trials and tribulations on myself and my family, and the next few weeks to follow will only bring more. At this point our only hope is that there is no more suffering. The grandpa I always knew has already left this earth, quietly and peacefully, our only hope is that his body here on earth experiences little pain and suffering.
My prayer is this, not to blame God for all that he's put myself and my family through in the past month, but to question why? Why now? Why all of this at once? Is this the sign we've been looking for to bring us closer in our faith, while everyone around seems to be running far away? My only explination for this could be the fact of family. This past weekend and Easter weekend gave me a real sense of who my family is, and all they'll do to stand by eachother. Even in hard times of heartaches, from breakups to dementia, my family can only grow from this experience and learn to count on each other first hand. I pray that I can be the helping hand my mom looks for when her emotions take over, at the thought of losing both her parents. I pray that my dad can continue to be strong, through everything he deals with today and for the future, to never give up hope.
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